Desperate in DC

Carpe Diem or Caveat Emptor?

Dear C,

With the economy having apparently run off a cliff, and now beginning to look down, I'm wondering if you are facing the same dilemma as I am: namely, to spend or not to spend? The answer, at first, seems obvious, and indeed I have noticed a certain relief among my Washington neighbors at not having to keep up all the time. The economic crisis has become a wonderful excuse for not going to that trendy new eatery, where for $100 a head one can eat almost as well as one can at home, and suggesting the (delicious) ethnic dive up the road instead. Suddenly, being caught bargain hunting at TJ Maxx is seen as a source of virtue, not shame. And for those of us already accustomed to a hand to mouth existence, thanks to the precarious nature of the oldballandchain's business (can a start-up still be called that 8 years on?) there is, I admit, some measure of schadenfreude to be had at seeing the fruits of our more conventionally employed neighbors come to naught, as the value of their hedge funds and other investment portfolios evaporate. Who knew that NOT having a 401k could ever feel like a wise decision?

But tempting as it may be to turn down the heating and bask in the warm glow of self-denial, I wonder if by doing so I am merely delaying the day of reckoning, not avoiding it? Perhaps it would be better for the oldballandchain and I to go down in flames now, rather than seeing our meager earnings being chipped away by bills to get one's teeth cleaned or fix the dishwasher.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying, I've seen the most fabulous little black dress in Saks, but need your seal of approval before I buy it. I figure if I can save another couple of hundred dollars on groceries this month, I can just about swing it. The twins never really liked playing the piano anyway, and I'm pretty sure they actually prefer their food to come from the freezer.

P.

Re:Carpe Diem or Caveat Emptor

Dearest P,

As I've just returned from the Thanksgiving holiday, and spent time with more family than any one woman deserves, I can assure you I understand the meaning of depletion.  The remedy, it seems to me, is surely not more of it.  That is, if the world offers so little, it is really our duty to secret away what we know to be our entitled birthright--even if my own parentage suggests otherwise.  I've decided, quite naturally, to spend all remaining savings on my wardrobe.  If, as so many economists suggest, the worst is yet to come, don't I have the right to feel some comfort in my pitiful existence?  Unlike hubby or any of my cherubs, who care not a wit about their attire, shouldn't I take the opportunity to help all of us through this period by providing some small light in their darkness by dressing well?  I know every mother isn't willing to make these kinds of sacrificies but I stand ready to lead those willing to follow.  And, who knows, perhaps, like gold, good wardrobe choices will no longer be so undervalued.  So, don't hesitate, dear P.  Buy that black dress (with the right label of course) and you too may experience untold riches.  And, if all else fails, we may get more for it at that consignment shop on MacArthur Blvd. than for all of our stocks combined.    

Lice for the Ass

Dearest P,

Think I've just uncovered the newest and best form of discipline for my cherubs: nightly butt inspections.  Since our best girl in the 'hood announced she may have exposed our precious ones to pinworms, I did some web research on the matter.  Discovered the most effective way to uncover the little bastards is surprise nighttime flashlight inspections of one's, well, nether regions.  Imagine my middle's surprise at having his mother uncover his rear as he drifts toward dreamland.  After reassuring him that there is indeed therapy for all this when he's older, he's actually able to retire again rather quickly.

Haven't spotted any vermin yet and am beginning to wonder how long I must continue this routine.  Seems the the month long incubation period practically ensures I can never let down my guard.  The unintended side effect seems to be better behavior on the part of my offspring, however.  They appear to think I'm intending to root out their uncovered sins in my nightly raids.  Best not to let them know it isn't their souls I see with my battery-operated light wand... 

C.

Re: Lice for the Ass

Dear C,

Must confess, I was more than a little alarmed to read that you had a case of ass lice running rampant through the family, until I realized you were talking about worms, and not something more sinister. Not that the two conditions are so dissimilar, I suppose, in the degree and location of the discomfort they cause, or the need to inform one's most recent play mates of what has transpired. As I know your youngest son, and Country Club Mom's daughter, V play dress up together almost every afternoon, I realize it must have been more than a little awkward to have to call her up and explain that the two of them were exchanging more than just outfits. Knowing her superior manner about these things, I hope you will at least take comfort in the fact it must have been harder for CCM to accept that her budding Prom Queen in reality loves nothing better than to shed her tutu and ballet slippers in favor of your son's football jersey and shoulder pads . Moreover, as I happened to see V being picked up from a play date with R's five year old only yesterday, I think CCM may soon find herself forced to make an awkward phone call of her own. Seems your son isn't the only kindergartener in the Village who could be accused of playing around.

P.

Obama-nation

Dear C,

Am I the only one out there who finds herself engaged in elaborate fantasies about our President-elect's sex life, or feverishly searching the web for the kind of domestic details that thrill the soul? Not since the day Princess Diana said 'I do' have I yearned to know the most intimate details of a complete stranger's life. As someone who has actually bothered to read his official autiobiography (written at the tender age of 34), perhaps you can enlighten me. Does he have holes in his underwear, or pick his nose when he thinks no-one is watching? Where are his ex-girlfriends, and what do they say about his willingness to kiss a woman fully on the lips, as it were? Personally, I suspect he is the kind of man who leaves dirty dishes in the sink instead of loading them in the dishwasher, but only because his mind is weighed down on that tender stalk of his with important matters of the day. Now what is the oldballandchain's excuse?

Inquiring minds want to know!

P.

Re: Obama-nation

P,

And we wonder why we never manage to achieve greatness, my friend?  I, for one, think much of the President-elect's success comes from never thinking of issues about which we find ourselves obsessed.  Instead, he's clearly busy keeping a journal about what really matters: all things him.  How else to explain the startling amount of detail in his first book: even when thirty-four I had a hard time remembering what I did the day b/f, let alone how my parents repeatedly failed me in childhood (and you know they did).  But setting that aside for the moment, I'm pretty certain, dearest P, that ultimately he's just another ordinary man who had little too offer until Michelle came into his life.  You just know she's the one who organized his underwear and, consequently, the rest of his life.  There is, also, that little rumor that Michelle is quite overbearing with him.  So, again, dearest P, I fear his tender neck stalk is truly supported by what we've known has been the case for centuries: the hands of a good wife around it.

C.

The Politics of School

Dearest P,

I'm troubled by recent reports that our newest President-elect's children may attend the school I chose for my own cherubs.  Since eldest has since moved on to succeed beyond expectations at boarding school, I wonder whether his academic crisis at said private school may be attributed to my earlier poor choice of venues.  Is it possible my eldest's six months in public elementary school before our move to the coast made it impossible for him to fit with D.C.'s most precious?  As my middle two have been cocooned in the private sector since kindergarten, I really can't judge the issue fairly.  So I turn to you, dearest neighbor, to share what really happens when children are exposed to public education at a very young age.  Does going to school with no one who matters make a real difference in their lives?  And are the educational opportunities at one of the best public school systems in the country rendered meaningless b/c anyone who can sends their child to one of three schools requiring a  letter of recommendation from the West Wing to get in?  As youngest is soon to join her siblings at "real school," this is a timely reflection on my part. 

Faithfully,

C.

Re: The Politics of School

Dear C,

Touching as it is to hear how your eldest is blossoming at boarding school, I think the real lesson you should be asking is, how soon can I wrest him back so that he can re-sit fifth grade with the President-elect's oldest? Who cares that he just graduated middle school? As you suggest, no public school system on earth can possibly offer the same bragging rights that come with collecting your child from a slumber party in the Lincoln bedroom. And as long as you claim he is either a) specially gifted or b) rescued from an orphanage that burned down, along with his birth records, no-one will dare challenge you about his age. And besides, aren't half the privately-educated school children in DC held back to give them an edge in their applications to Harvard?

If I sound at all bitter, dear C, it is because my twins are forced to look at your cherubs' networking opportunities from the other side of the educational tracks. I may have learned to talk a good game about the public school system (learning how to lock up one's valuables or deal with a knife-wielding bully all being useful things to learn in the etiquette school of life), but as someone whose mantra is  'you get what you pay for,' I would be the first to concur that the connections both you and your child can make at DC's private schools are indeed priceless.

P.