Desperate in DC

Not Dead Yet?

Dearest C,

I fear I may have found the key to happiness, only it involves leaving hearth, home and esp. children safely ensconsed in another's care while one jets off to a retirement community in Florida for the weekend.  OK, so the retirement community masquerades as a country club, complete with a dress code for sucking soup through a straw, presumably before spilling it down one's shirt - is that why WASPs always wear the collars upturned?  But look around and smell the incontinence pants, ladies; from a distance, you might look like you still have the body of a twenty year old, but that's only because my own sight is going.

Husbands are entirely optional, of course, even if the ostensible reason for the trip is to 'celebrate' ten inglorious years together, but if I were you, I'd jettison the old man before hitting the club bar (FYI, happy hour starts just before dinner, at 3).  Some of those widowers are hot!  OK, so they're not, but think how grateful they'd be - enough to leave you a beachfront property, perhaps?

Personally, I tried to have the oldballandchain ejected from the premises - rumor has it, he's black - and I suspect that some of the sharp turns he made in the open golf cart were entirely unnecessary, but in the end, it seems, we are stuck with each other - for now. 

Alas, reality reared its ugly head when we returned home yesterday pm to find half the lights not working, the oven kaput, and a note from Nemesis declaring an emergency meeting of the traffic committee tonight.  Think this might be her signal for launching the Village Putsch?  Immediately blamed the obc for everything, and declared that if he loved me, he wouldn't go during our anniversary week, at which point he laughed in my face.  Apparently, the lure of traffic cones (and I speak of the real kind, not simply Nemesis' legs) is stronger than any marital bond.  As a result, the obc and I are not speaking, which changes remarkably little around here, I find.  But as someone who has already done ten years hard time and counting, please tell me whether or not you think this marriage can be saved?

Faithfully,

P.

Re: Not Dead Yet?

P,

As someone shockingly close in age to eligibility for a retirement community, I may need to reconsider our time spent together and find a much older set.  I certainly don't need to compete with you as we scope out the bar for the older gentleman inclined to forget his own children in the will in order to provide for our futures.  Even assuming obc and hubby are long gone, I know your hair will still be blond (in much the same way it is now, I might add).  I just can't afford the competition, frankly, especially from one who doesn't have four cherubs to drag along, each one clinging to a much less buffed appendage than one of yours.

If it appears I'm quite out of sorts, I must attribute it to far too many sightings of Nemesis over your absent weekend.  She now smiles broadly in my direction, much like a satisfied cheshire cat.  It's as if she thinks she has something I want, and it is all hers.  Assuming for the moment that having the obc on the traffic committee fulfills her every desire, and imagining for a moment that I might care, why still should she be so self-satisfied?  I fear the worst, dearest P.  She has acted on her animosity for me against you and has stolen your husband in the bargain.  I can only say my respect for him has fallen further if it proves to be true.  Why would he ever choose someone with such serious intellectual purpose imbuing every single pore?  I mean, besides you, of course.  It is time to take the gloves off, I fear.  Pull out the latest issue of CPU and a little Tolstoy and pretend it fascinates you, as perhaps you did in your courting days.  Moth to the flame, dearest P, moth to the flame.

In the meantime, I've managed to take a little leap off my own cliff in your absence.  Although I fully intended to spend a little time in massage with Headmistress, it seems I've found myself in every man's happy ending fantasy.  Not only can Headmistress manipulate every muscle in my worn out limbs with ease, she managed to make them vibrate as well.  Although I feel it is just too sordid to detail, suffice it to say I'll never wonder again what women might do together.  I feel awkward asking you whether I must confess all to hubby as you find yourself in a potentially similar dilemma-just holding the other end of an entirely different stick, I suppose.

Faithfully, 

C.   

Take My Husband - Please!

Dear C,

Thank you so much for the early morning phone call, alerting me to the possible tryst between the oldballandchain and your Nemesis in the park this AM.  As always, I am touched by your concern, but the simple fact of the matter is, we have been taking care of a friend's dog this week, hence the requirement to stand around in the freezing cold at ungodly hours of day and night.  As for your Nemesis, I believe she is the proud new mother of a mixed breed - part German shepherd, part pit-bull - which might explain her heritage, as well as her presence.  But do keep up the good work on surveillance, all the same. 

I know that some people might find it disturbing that you seem to care more about my husband's whereabouts than I do, but they probably don't know about the special training your own canine underwent to detect strange scents, laundry detergents and other unfamiliar odors on hubby as he returns to the family abode each night.  Nor do they understand that your desire to nag, hen-peck and generally control the OBC as if he were another spouse stems from your own childhood trauma.  After all, having watched your own mother divorce and re-marry at a tender age, only to resume care of her ex-husband, as well as her present one, in later life, it is only natural that you should seek to treat all males that stray into your vicinity as potential second in commands. 

In short, feel free to continue picking the lint of my husband's clothing, dear C, and to criticize his poor efforts at keeping up with your latest honey-do list, which you so thoughtfully nailed to our front door.  In the interests of continued good neighborly relations, however, I ask only that you and the OBC refrain from embarking on long car journeys together.  Watching your mother and father drive off into the sunset the other evening, on their way back to the midwestern town they continue to share, I couldn't help wondering, dear C, if it might actually be - horrors! - your own parents that are the ones having the affair?

Faithfully,

P.

Re: Take My Husband-Please!

P,

I admire your attempt to deflect attention from your own impending marital crisis by focusing my eyes upon the potential affection between ma mere and pere (it's as yucky to imagine now as thirty years ago, thank heavens!), but I fear my ability to lie low in this matter may not exist.  I just can't set aside my distaste for a woman, Nemesis, who finds it necessary to push and shove her way into our lives without the essential skill of subtle persuasion.  Hasn't she heard of using her female wiles, underhanded manipulation, and dark mind control?  I fear that mesmerizing the obc takes little more than a promise of a rousing round of Dungeons & Dragons, but I worry that Nemesis simply uses the usual DC style of bossiness, rudeness and pecking order (power, then money) to get her way.  And since I haven't fully mastered these arts, I'm feeling more than a little threatened.  And so, my dear, should you.

Fortunately, I have bigger fish to fry at the moment as I've been asked to chair a significant event at the cherubs' school this spring.  You can imagine the dead weight of dread which fills my soul, but of course I'm toying with the idea.  If it brings HeadMistress and I closer, this can't be a bad thing for youngest, now can it?  And hubby will be in trial all spring.  Imagine if I was forced to devote my time and attention to hearth and home. 

Well, enough of all that.  Must find one final day of activities for my darlings before they return to school.  Hear that kids' spas are now all the rage.  Should we drop them at 1, P, and do a little underwear shopping for ourselves?  I suddenly feel the need to be more presentable at yoga and it couldn't hurt for you to bump up the efforts at home, if you know what I mean.

Faithfully,

C. 

Christmas Future

Dearest C,

Well, I have taken my own advice and absconded from all the Holiday madness for a week - as a matter of fact, I am sipping champagne in Business Class on the day flight to Heathrow even as I write - leaving the oldballandchain and girls to fend for themselves.  God Bless Air Miles!  Clearly, my masterly plan of behaving like a raving bitch ever since the first artificial snowman appeared on your front lawn has paid off, as they seem to be handling the prospect of my absence with admirable stoicism.  I was expecting to have to shake the odd husband and child from my leg as I departed, but in the event no-one even roused themselves out of bed to bid me farewell.  Indeed, last night, the youngest even offered to help me pack!

Do let me know if the facade crumbles.  The obc was adamant I shouldn't arrange for him and the girls to have dinner at his parents' house while I'm gone, but if you happen to notice any waifs or strays nosing around your garbage cans at night, do please toss the odd chicken bone their way - you can say it's from Mom.

Must go.  The flight attendant is tucking napkins around everyone's lap in preparation for lunch.  Do you think she'd mind if I called her Nanny? 

Merry Christmas!

P.

P.S.  Sorry not to see you at the Neighborhood Luncheon yesterday.  Actually, the only thing you missed was an all too uncomfortable vision of ourselves in decades to come.  Talk about Christmases Future!  Good thing I left before the Secret Santa, as I doubt very much the festive thong underwear I had supplied would go down very well among the matrons who dominated proceedings.... Another very good reason for making myself scarce this coming week!

Re: Christmas Future

P,

Muddled through the Village holiday bash without you.  'Fraid the obc wasn't allowed as much freedom of movement as he may have otherwise enjoyed without the presence of his second wife.  Noticed he and hubby were completely fascinated by everything the neighbor's twenty-year old au pair had to say, yet again.  Reached my limits of tolerance when I was balancing two kids on my hips (I do think your eldest may be too old for this honor now) and hubby asked the obc whether he would care to join him in the buffet line. 

Rather than make a scene, I wandered over to the woman in the dreadful red holiday sweater (which didn't flatter her rather chunky thighs, by the way) and commented that I didn't appreciate her pushiness when all my children wanted was a little quantity time with the Santa on duty.  Loathe to admit it, P, but without your good and dissuading influence, I fear I let the children run a bit amok and have a rather elongated photo session with the old chap.  Seems this was quite off-putting to several village residents who found themselves having to wait (WAIT!) for an audience with the man in red.  Dearest P, I hate to tell you how their cherubs' bows were drooping by the time they sat on the old man's lap.  As you can imagine, this is not at all what their doting parents had in mind.  The good news is I fought for the honor of all of us on the wrong side of our little town, and though I imagine many of this quite WASPY set won't speak to us, I can't say anything has changed.  And I feel like a super hero.  I'm only glad hubby isn't in the mob, however, as I fear the woman would most certainly wake up with a horse head in her bed or worse. 

Alas, dear P, you may have to cut short your journey to the homeland before the turf wars begin.  I hate to declare myself outed as the least WASPY in our little 'burb, but I am feeling, once again, the heart tug suggesting I would be oh so much better off as one of the chosen people.  Do you think R's husband is willing to convert?  He must now have a sense of the faith with all his attendance at synagogue with R and may be willing to start over with me.  And he saved me just last night from an embarrassing "toilet paper on the shoe" incident we'll not speak of again.  Sure it can never happen, but you must allow a girl to dream.

Faithfully,

C. 

Bah Humbug

P,

Ah, it's that time of the year again: decorations are abundant, the smell of pine is in the air and the sound of my annual wailing has begun to permeate our household.  I worry a bit about the cherubs as I make my usual journey to the darkness, dearest P.  They may try to forget my brief but yearly dabbling with hell and only remember that their father helped them decorate the tree, hang the boughs of holly and sing the inevitable carols. 

These good children may mistakenly conclude everyone should be happy this time of year, based on the excessively cheerful nature of the man in the house, instead of recognizing the deep and tortured angst they have inevitably inherited from me.  They need to know this brief but annual legacy of ill will can usually be drowned in excessive participation in sex, shopping and alcohol.  How will they learn, dearest P, if their father insists on joining the hordes in fun? 

The legacy of happy family traditions is not one with which I want to burden them.  If only hubby could understand the potentially detrimental effects of his encouraging behavior, perhaps he too could be persuaded to join my funk, one that he is clearly comfortable with the rest of the year.

And how are things at your abode?

Faithfully,

C.

Re: Bah humbug

Dearest C,

You forgot to mention my two favorite ways of spending the Holiday Season: shopping and abroad.  The first provides you with an invaluable excuse for absenting you from hearth, home and esp. hubby at this relentlessly cheerful time of year - and who is to know that the all the 'gifts' you are out busy buying are all for yourself, and not the cherubs, who frankly have too many toys anyway?  The second is even better, provided you actually do pony up presents (Thank God for Harrods Duty Free!), by way of a peace offering upon your return.....Speaking of which, do let me know if there is anything I can bring you back from Blighty; the cab comes at seven.

One other therapeutic approach, before I go, is to force hubby to don his sexiest Santa hat and nothing else, next time he proposes coming down your chimney.  Think of it as the perfect way to break in the new video camera you bought yourself - I mean, hubby - the other day, and act on your deep-seated desire to F**k Christmas at one and the same time.

Faithfully,

P.

Men are from Penis.....

Dearest C,

With hubby winging his way to LA, safely ensconsed in his first class seat, trusty scotch (but I trust, no mistress) at his side, I thought you might be encouraged to learn that the oldballandchain believes you will take his absence as an opportunity to ramp up the raging affair he is convinced you are having. 

Putting aside the fact that the obc seems to find nothing strange about the idea of you carrying on this affair at six a.m. in the morning, Tuesdays and Thursdays only; you will no doubt be gratified to learn that two pre-teens, a kindergartner, a toddler and a dog are no obstacle in his book, apparently, to the continuation of a torrid romance. 

How to explain that to most of the women I know, the prospect of having to service the needs of yet one more human being in their life is something they look forward to about as much as their annual pap smear?  (And if you don't believe me, just ask yourself this: Which would you rather enjoy for the rest of your life: unlimited sex, or unlimited time at the spa?  I rest my case.)

Is this simply the final proof I needed that men and women are just wired differently?  Or simply proof that the obc is dying to sleep with you?

Rest assured, dear C, the latter is quite alright with me.  As you quite rightly point out, at my age, a 'girl' needs all the beauty sleep she can get.

Faithfully,

P.

Re: Men are from Penis

P,

Can't say what troubles me more: your lack of concern for my potential involvement with the obc or my own potential involvement with the obc.  Frankly, most of the time you can be counted on to protect your territory like a rabid raccoon, although, except for the frothing at the mouth, there are few physical similarities.  So, dearest P, why are you so little troubled by my capturing obc's eye and other body parts?  Although it must have something to do with how very little I appear to be any real threat, I simply choose to think both our spouses find themselves in the enviable position of having, really, two wives.  Can't be too threatening when I would, inevitably, nag him through the whole damn event.

Oh, and as far as any real affair goes, is it possible to simply sit upon a throne and be worshipped, without any human contact at all?  You are British so I feel you are in the best position to know.  If there are any vacancies in the royal clan, do call.  Otherwise, reassure the obc that my flannel nightie at 8pm in conjunction with a good book is, at the moment, about the only illicit relationship I can handle. 

Faithfully,

C.