Desperate in DC

Obama-nation

Dear C,

Am I the only one out there who finds herself engaged in elaborate fantasies about our President-elect's sex life, or feverishly searching the web for the kind of domestic details that thrill the soul? Not since the day Princess Diana said 'I do' have I yearned to know the most intimate details of a complete stranger's life. As someone who has actually bothered to read his official autiobiography (written at the tender age of 34), perhaps you can enlighten me. Does he have holes in his underwear, or pick his nose when he thinks no-one is watching? Where are his ex-girlfriends, and what do they say about his willingness to kiss a woman fully on the lips, as it were? Personally, I suspect he is the kind of man who leaves dirty dishes in the sink instead of loading them in the dishwasher, but only because his mind is weighed down on that tender stalk of his with important matters of the day. Now what is the oldballandchain's excuse?

Inquiring minds want to know!

P.

Re: Obama-nation

P,

And we wonder why we never manage to achieve greatness, my friend?  I, for one, think much of the President-elect's success comes from never thinking of issues about which we find ourselves obsessed.  Instead, he's clearly busy keeping a journal about what really matters: all things him.  How else to explain the startling amount of detail in his first book: even when thirty-four I had a hard time remembering what I did the day b/f, let alone how my parents repeatedly failed me in childhood (and you know they did).  But setting that aside for the moment, I'm pretty certain, dearest P, that ultimately he's just another ordinary man who had little too offer until Michelle came into his life.  You just know she's the one who organized his underwear and, consequently, the rest of his life.  There is, also, that little rumor that Michelle is quite overbearing with him.  So, again, dearest P, I fear his tender neck stalk is truly supported by what we've known has been the case for centuries: the hands of a good wife around it.

C.

The Politics of School

Dearest P,

I'm troubled by recent reports that our newest President-elect's children may attend the school I chose for my own cherubs.  Since eldest has since moved on to succeed beyond expectations at boarding school, I wonder whether his academic crisis at said private school may be attributed to my earlier poor choice of venues.  Is it possible my eldest's six months in public elementary school before our move to the coast made it impossible for him to fit with D.C.'s most precious?  As my middle two have been cocooned in the private sector since kindergarten, I really can't judge the issue fairly.  So I turn to you, dearest neighbor, to share what really happens when children are exposed to public education at a very young age.  Does going to school with no one who matters make a real difference in their lives?  And are the educational opportunities at one of the best public school systems in the country rendered meaningless b/c anyone who can sends their child to one of three schools requiring a  letter of recommendation from the West Wing to get in?  As youngest is soon to join her siblings at "real school," this is a timely reflection on my part. 

Faithfully,

C.

Re: The Politics of School

Dear C,

Touching as it is to hear how your eldest is blossoming at boarding school, I think the real lesson you should be asking is, how soon can I wrest him back so that he can re-sit fifth grade with the President-elect's oldest? Who cares that he just graduated middle school? As you suggest, no public school system on earth can possibly offer the same bragging rights that come with collecting your child from a slumber party in the Lincoln bedroom. And as long as you claim he is either a) specially gifted or b) rescued from an orphanage that burned down, along with his birth records, no-one will dare challenge you about his age. And besides, aren't half the privately-educated school children in DC held back to give them an edge in their applications to Harvard?

If I sound at all bitter, dear C, it is because my twins are forced to look at your cherubs' networking opportunities from the other side of the educational tracks. I may have learned to talk a good game about the public school system (learning how to lock up one's valuables or deal with a knife-wielding bully all being useful things to learn in the etiquette school of life), but as someone whose mantra is  'you get what you pay for,' I would be the first to concur that the connections both you and your child can make at DC's private schools are indeed priceless.

P.

Waxing Democratic

P,

Are you familiar with the expression, "caught with one's pants 'round one's ankles?"  If not, you can probably guess that it is suggestive of an awkward pose; one in which not many of us care to find ourselves.  Just today, however, I found myself in just such a state, which got me thinking how much I share in common with fellow Democrats these days. 

I started the morning at the  beauty salon for an appointment with my wax goddess, a.k.a. torture interrogator for the C.I.A.  She left me abruptly mid-wax, to attend I'm almost certain, to a prisoner bound and gagged nearby.  I was, needless to say, in a highly compromised position, but when a spa patron came along and peeked in upon me, I pulled myself up to full height (as tall as one can be with one's trousers, well, you know) and looked her straight in the eye, before inquiring: "Can I help you?"  She was so shocked by the encounter that she apologized meekly and exited immediately.  When the errant torturer returned and I had properly humiliated her for leaving me alone, I internally applauded my composure and bravado in a terrible moment. 

I think the Dems might benefit from the insight I gleaned from this very personal experience.  Instead of expressing confusion and despair at our defeat, we need to hold our heads high and pretend we had planned to find ourselves here all along.  As we know from the Republican ban on the display of underwear in Virginia, there's nothing that can make 'em squirm more than an expression of confidence.  Let's make 'em sweat by showing them how little we care about their victory.  We're coming back and we're not afraid to let it all hang out, no matter how humiliating that may be.

Faithfully,

C.

Re: Waning Democratic

C,

Intrigued to hear all about your unfortunate expose in the waxing department, although nothing, surely can compare to the horror you and I faced that time in the spray tan salon, when confronted by the sight of our own nude, Agent Orange-streaked bodies in the mirror. How best to describe the view to an unsuspecting public...white woman in shower cap suddenly forced to confront the brutal reality of her physical decay....and discovers she has leprosy in the process? I can just see the Made for TV drama on Lifetime.  On the other hand, perhaps the less said about that sorry episode the better. Unlike you free-spirited Democrat types, we conservatives generally prefer not to air our dirty laundry in public (although as an ex-liberal, I may be forgiven for the occasional  lapse every now and then). Which brings me to another point. Could your lingerie-bashing husband be behind the recent Virginia bill to ban the display of underwear in public? I know he may be tired of viewing the same old undies on his wife day in, day out, but does he really need to go out and spoil the fun for everyone?

Faithfully,

P.